i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
