Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
