The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
