Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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