vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
