seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
