I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
