I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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