You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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