When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
