I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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