There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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