I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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