I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
