I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
