Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
