I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
