please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
