Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
