I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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