So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
