I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
