I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
