god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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