the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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