Please, let me fuck your mom
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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