You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
