The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
