Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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