I heard we made out
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
