I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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