I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
