I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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