you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
