Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
