I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MIDGETS
????
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
