Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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