do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
