Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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