you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
