I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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