Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
