Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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