I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
