I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He passed out mid-signature
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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