found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
