Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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