im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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