It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
