Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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