I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
